“All’s fair in love and war,” a timeless quote that seems uncanny through the lens of Greek mythology. Aphrodite the goddess of love, has a famous affair with Ares, the god of war. Love and war coupled, is there a better way to describe the act of an affair? Love holds some of the most transcendent and beautiful moments in a lifetime, and yet it carries with it a shadow. The beloveds we attach to so securely, falter, they disappoint us. This experience provokes rage and betrayal feelings. No pain penetrates as deeply as that caused by a beloved, someone we let into the inner sanctum of our hearts. Love feelings and war feelings now circulate in the dynamic, and must be examined if the relationship is to stabilize and develop.
In the myth, Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus, god of invention. Love and invention is another powerful coupling, and we can see an obvious bond between the spouses. We see often in society people who channel their libidinal urges towards invention, and there is a powerful love and a passion in the inventor. Yet there is something noticeably missing between the two gods, and that is healthy conflict. A relationship that cannot lean into conflict represses those unmet needs, while they build and build under the surface.
Aphrodite is a love goddess, an entity that is most concerned with the interpersonal. Hephaestus may be content to channel her love into creation, but Aphrodite must actively love and be loved. As this tension does not find effective expression between the two gods, Ares, the war god, enters the scene. In the affair, Ares and Aphrodite construct a complicated message of rage and longing; in an act of deep intimacy that is also a declaration of war against Hephaestus.
All relationships disappoint eventually. The art is in what happens next. Is the couple able to process the disappointment? If so, relationships can deepen and grow from the disappointment into an even more developed and stable intimacy. Or they can even come to the understanding that the relationship isn’t working and go their separate ways. This is the proper usage of Ares, in a relationship. Let each partner stand their ground and engage in the work of advocating for their needs; and Ares becomes a force that nourishes and invigorates the relationship, rather than a force of destruction.
Hephaestus learns of Aphrodite's affair, and is deeply wounded by the revelation. He constructs a fine net that is undetectable and unbreakable and pretends to leave his castle. Then he catches Aphrodite and Ares having sex on his bed and he traps them both in the net. He then proceeds to humiliate them both by inviting the Greek pantheon to see their act of betrayal. Hephaestus responds to Aphrodite's act of war, with an offensive of his own.
Aphrodite sent Hephaestus a brutal message in her affair, castigating Hephaestus for taking her for granted. Hephaestus retaliates by humiliating her for her inability to control her impulses. The sad irony in this story is that Aphrodite and Hephaestus could have learned much from the other; Hephaestus a lesson in connection, and Aphrodite in stability, if they could only conflict in a constructive way. The gods were never known for their flexibility though, that is the domain of humans. So let us learn from this cautionary tale about what lies at the end of love when it becomes an all out war, and practice negotiation instead.
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